STARTING OVER AFTER SUFFERING LOSS.

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Losing a loved one is one of the hardest experiences that anyone can go through.

I have lost quite a few a loved ones, from my grandparents to uncles and aunts, and even two of my siblings. But nothing could quite prepare me for the loss of our second baby.

Even though we never got to meet our little one, or even had the chance to fully enjoy the experience of being pregnant a second time, the heart break that came from learning that the pregnancy was no longer viable was devastating.

Soon after I miscarried, I felt the pressure of having to go on with life like nothing had ever happened. So my husband and I continued with our duties at our church and the many different areas in our lives without taking a break to mourn.

The aftermath of jumping right back into the life that we once knew, dragged me into a state of emotional instability.

Although, I looked fine on the outside, I was struggling with doubt on the inside. I was so confused, and couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that God had allowed my worst fear to happen to me.

The more I tried to understand it, the worse I felt, and the crazy part is the people around me kept commending me for being so "STRONG and full of FAITH."

But little did they know that I was struggling, and my husband was struggling as well. And we both felt so alone because everyone assumed that we were okay.

The truth is both of us knew that things were going to get better. But, in order for the healing to begin to take its course, we both had to come to terms with the fact that we were broken.

So instead of trying to always put a brave face on, I began to cry when I felt like it. I also asked God questions about the things that I didn't understand, and contrary to popular belief, He took the time to show me what I was missing. Being in His presence taught me how to give thanks amidst difficulty, and how to give Him praise even when it hurts. Eventually, making me feel ever closer than before to Him.

And that is when everything changed.

I promised myself that I would never live my life unintentionally, or neglect the ones that I love. I gained a new perspective on what is truly important, and slowly, my life began to take new shape.

A whole year went by and Shane and I started talking about trying for another baby.

Even though we were both on board, I kept on going back and forth with our decision because I still had fears about something awful happening to the baby.

For months, I debated whether having another baby was the right thing to do. I struggled with paranoia and didn't want to go through another pregnancy whilst living on the edge.

So I prayed about it and talked to Shane, who remained supportive the entire time, and made me realize that I wasn't being faithless by having fear

or doubt. I just needed to act on the hope that I still had left, that God was going to take care of us no matter what happened.

I finally made the decision to focus on the hope that we would conceive yet another beautiful, and healthy baby, and keep trusting and praising God through the process.

So in early August of 2018, a new life began and brought us so much joy

when we found out in early October.

We had a few hiccups or rather scares along the way, but we chose to hold on to the hope that God had already for-seen the development and life-journey of the baby that I'm carrying. And I have no doubt that He will be with him as long as he lives.

Six months in, we are still choosing to trust in God's promises for our lives and that of both our children, and we believe that even if life gets challenging, He will be there to carry us when we are weak and strengthen us with His joy...………..